2008, Issue 1
Educating, Connecting and Supporting families in Monash
Dads Looking After Themselves!
Ray Patterson, Wavecare
Throughout the Pregnancy - Initially I remember feeling somewhat removed from the pregnancy because the changes weren't happening to me. What helped me to engage more was that I consciously took the time to read some of the pregnancy books that the mother to be was reading. I remember enjoying learning (in the antenatal classes) how to be an effective support person and felt that this helped me to become more confident and connected. I also found it helpful to speak to other men who had been there before me.
During the Birth - I assume that most men these days are present at the birth of their children and it's difficult to imagine what it would be like not being there. During the birthing process, I remember being happily labelled the "support person". However in retrospect, I'm sure I could have benefited from having my own support person as I secretly harboured strong feelings of anxiety that went unexpressed at the time. Over the years, as a counsellor, I have spoken to many men who have disclosed that they felt this way. My conclusion is, as there hasn't generally been much opportunity for men to discuss such difficult feelings, we perhaps haven't developed the ability to articulate these fears very well.
The latter experience can be traumatising not only for the mother (and baby) but also for the father who bears witness to the mother's physical and emotional difficulties and has to contend with his own deep feelings of distress too. My belief is that such feelings simply need to be acknowledged rather than denied or ignored. This of course requires that there be the appropriate person to listen.
After the Birth - Once the baby has been born a new life for everyone begins. For fathers to be connected it's good if they become involved from the start. During the first few weeks it's common that the father manages the domestic and social arrangements while the mother recovers from the birth and acquaints herself with the "around the clock" needs of the baby. Sometimes new fathers can feel that they are outside the "emotional field" that rapidly develops between the mother and baby. To minimise such feelings I recommend that fathers, from the outset, get involved in changing nappies, holding and bathing the baby as these are bonding activities. If you do this you will become "connected".
Therefore fathers need to think about what their needs are and articulate them clearly.
I believe that it is very important that fathers acknowledge what the pressures are and have time out.
Your Relationship With Your Partner - it's pretty common that sex is off the agenda, at least for a while, as the mother re-adjusts to the changes that her body has been going through. During this period it's important to continue to show affection to your partner otherwise there's a possibility that you both grow distant from one another. In counselling, fathers often say their needs are ignored which leads to resentment. To counter this feeling it's important to remain engaged emotionally with your partner and this can be achieved by planning to have some regular time together as adults (as opposed to parents). Post Natal Depression (PND) - Clinical research suggests that 14% - 20% of women experience some symptoms of Post Natal Depression. There is some evidence that some men also experience significant hormonal changes that may influence their psychological, physical and emotional wellbeing.If the symptoms of PND arise, it's important that, as a couple, professional guidance be sought from a GP and/or a counsellor. The symptoms are treatable and if you are patient, understanding and attentive to your partner during this time the symptoms may be less pronounced and resolve more quickly. You may also benefit from counselling as your unmet needs need to be acknowledged and managed.
In adopting this style of approach there is a likelihood that your understanding of yourself and your relationship with your partner will deepen and your role as father and partner will become more satisfying.
Conclusion - It needs to be understood that a new birth is a period of great change for everyone involved. Change isn't inherently bad but it can be frightening at times. My feeling is that overall it's a great honour to be a dad. I accept that it's demanding - that I'm not perfect! So when I have felt overwhelmed, I have told myself that "this is normal and not a big problem".
When I have been grumpy or frustrated, I've tried to see it for what it is and move on. The rest of the time I recommend that you saviour the precious moments of being with"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the worth living for" - from Internet
Updated: 1 May 2008
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